I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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