made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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