my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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