so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
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Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
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Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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