I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
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My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
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Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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