on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
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Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
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The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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