he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
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Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
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There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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