I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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