You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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