dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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