Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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