I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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