Moan for me like Helen Keller
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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