I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
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I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
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Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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