I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize