I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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