I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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