im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
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I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
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I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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