Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
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Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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