Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
FUCK WHALES
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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