if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize