I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
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Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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