On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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