Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
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So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
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I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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