he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize