My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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