Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
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When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
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It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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