I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
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I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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