the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
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i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
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Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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