You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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