Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
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You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
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I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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