I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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