seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
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The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
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I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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