Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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