I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
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My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
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Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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