I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
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No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
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No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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