I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
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All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
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We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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