It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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