Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
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Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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