The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
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It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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