I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
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