Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
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i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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