yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize