just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
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It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
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I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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