I think my vagina is haunted
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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