The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
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I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
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Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I am never drinking with the goths again.
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