Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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