My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you traded sex for a burrito?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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