Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
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He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
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You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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