I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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